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專訪華裔加籍跨性男Noah Yang: 這是我的身分,也是其中一個身分

華裔加拿大籍跨性男Noah Yang一直在記錄自己從女性變成男性的經歷,藉此鼓勵跟他一樣的人勇敢採取行動。他與我們分享這趟旅程,箇中滋味五味雜陳。

2018年的夏天,楊暁雨Noah Yang(楊暁雨)心血來潮在Instagram 上搜尋跟「跨性男」有關的貼文。當時的社交媒體已經變得越來越多元化,跨性別人士都紛紛利用這個平台分享自己的經驗。

在加拿大溫哥華成長的Noah是一名華裔青年,今年23歲的他早已打定主意要接受變性手術,讓自己從女性變成男性。看過多不勝數的分享之後,他的意志更為堅定。

「這使我意識到變性是一件我也能做到的事。看到這麼多人在Instagram上分享他們實現夢想的故事,令我萌生追求自己想要的生活、身體和尊重的念頭。」
但是,Noah也注意到自己是少數。 他說:「當時亞裔跨性男並不多,所以我想分享自己的心路歷程,即使只能幫到一個人也好。」

2018年秋天,Noah開始注射睪丸素,為日後接受變性手術做好準備。不久後,他開了一個Instagram公開賬號@QuinoahPowerSalad,以分享這段日子的生活體驗,以及與變性過程相關的實用資料。

他詳細記錄下過程中的點點滴滴,從面對因生理與心理性别不符而產生的性別焦慮症,到逐漸獲得家人的諒解與支持。以下是Noah親述的心路歷程: 

「我並沒有經歷過所謂的『覺醒」時刻,我從來沒有突然發現自己「原來是跨性別人士」或很清楚地知道『我想變性」,這是一個慢慢演進的過程。我想這主要是因為我從沒接觸過性別頻譜方面的知識。 我無法用語言形容自己的感受,身邊也沒有可以參考或諮詢的人。」

「我在2018年公開承認自己是跨性男。朋友們都接受並支持我。當時的反對聲音都是來自我的父母,尤其是我的媽媽。她在北京出生成長,思想比較保守,很在意別人的看法。」

「她不贊成我變性。我們有很多衝突。但過了一段時間之後,我們明白彼此依然愛對方,因此必須想辦法解決分歧。我想問題只能透過溝通和時間來解決。」

「過了一段不算短的時間,我才開始真正的變性過程,因為我想得到家人的認可和祝福。說服家人的過程花了大約兩到三年。期間,我媽媽並沒有說:『你不可以這樣做。』她知道我已經長大了,不會接受她的控制。她擔心的第一件事是『你確定要這樣做嗎?因為做了就不能再變回來。』第二件事是『這會不會影響你的健康?』」

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This is my mother. She is beautiful, she is strong, and she is the backbone to my family. I can’t fathom how she juggles work, her own leisure activities, house bills, supporting my dad, taking care of grandma, and raising me right all at the same time. What you can see in this picture is a happy mother and son taking a selfie together. But what you can’t see is the things we have done and the things we have gone through to get to where we are. Coming out to my mom was in steps, just like coming out to the rest of the world: curious, bisexual, gay, and finally: trans and straight . . . Throughout my childhood my mother and I had a strong bond. Conversations flowed effortlessly and she was supportive when the time was right, and guiding, also when the time was right. We hit a bump in the road after I came out to her. It took us 6 years to get back on track. I am not afraid to admit that my mother was closed-minded in the first few years after coming out to her. Everything she did and said was out of her love for me, though often misguided during this period. Now, I am immensely proud to say that she is one of my biggest supporters in not just my transition, but my whole life. We fought nearly everyday for 3 years, then we went to therapy together. She found her own support group like I found mine, and we came together knowing things were going to be okay because of our unconditional love for each other. If you’re struggling with anything that is coming between you and your parent/caretaker/guardian, know that as long as that unconditional love is present, you will find a way back to each other. When I first came out, I thought I’d have to move out and cut ties. But the cliche is most definitely true – time and patience can heal wounds and I hope you find a way to believe in that. My inbox is always open if you want to talk 🙂 . . . . #trans #transman #transgender #ftm #lgbt #testosterone #transition #ftmfitness #selfmade #transmen #transmenofig #transmanofcolor #mother #mom #selfie #family #relationships #motivation #ftmfitness #transftm

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「我告訴她這對健康有一些風險,但風險很低。我看了很多關於荷爾蒙療法的研究,然後轉達給她。我很幸運,因為我住在卑詩省,當地政府資助『Trans Care BC』計劃。」

「該計劃的醫生向我解釋了整個變性的過程、當中會發生甚麼變化,以及應該留意的健康問題。然後我上網搜尋並鑽研了很多相關的學術期刊。我的資料大部分屬於道聽途說,因為這方面的研究報告不多,所以我參考了很多其他跨性別者的經歷。」

「我開始變性的療程,首先每個星期注射一次睪丸素。接著我的身體發生了一些永久性的變化,例如聲音變得低沉,臉上開始長鬍子;還有一些屬於暫時性的變化,如脂肪重新分配和出現了一些男性面部特徵。我很幸運,因為我住在加拿大,所以接受睪丸素療程一點也不麻煩。」

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2 days ago I had a brief exchange with grandma as I was getting ready to go out. She started crying and told me she hasn’t been able to sleep properly because of my upcoming surgery. She was so worried and didn’t want me to go through with the operation. I started dealing with a kind of guilt that I was afraid to talk about or admit. I felt guilty for putting her (+ my parents) through this stress and for being unable to bring myself to cancel surgery to ease their worries.⁣ ⁣ Selfishness has quite the negative reputation but one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this past year is that there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first. Nothing wrong with prioritizing your happiness. ⁣ ⁣ Today after dinner I sat her down and had a long conversation with her. It felt like a lot of her worries stemmed from having no idea what the methods of surgery are, possible complications, risks, results, what recovery looks like, etc. So I explained all these things to her and also showed her pictures. My parents were also there listening and helping me translate when I didn’t know the words. Grandma obviously still doesn’t want me to get surgery but she understands a bit better. She said she knows I’ve made my decision and that she’s going to pray for me for a speedy recovery.⁣ ⁣ If you know me, you know I never read and my vocab sucks. So the best way I can describe how I’ve been feeling as my surgery date comes closer is grateful. I just feel so grateful for my family. My surgery is in Victoria (I live in Vancouver) and they’re all coming with me. So is my girlfriend who asked for the day off from her practicum! I say this shit all the time but seriously I am so lucky to have this strong support system. Friends and family included. I still get messages every now and then from people that I don’t know so well wishing me luck or telling me they’re happy for me. It’s an indescribable feeling, really. Thank you for following me on this journey💙⁣ ⁣ #trans #transman #transgender #ftm #lgbt #testosterone #ftmfitness #selfmade #transmen #transisbeautiful #transmenofig #transmanofcolor #asianftm #thisiswhattranslookslike #ftmtransgender #oneofthem #topsurgery #lgbtq

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「對於上半身的男性胸部重建手術,即是將原有的乳房組織切除,改造為男性胸部,我猶豫了一段時間。我已經帶給家人極大的壓力、煩惱和痛苦。我很清楚這一點,所以在預約手術之前有點裹足不前。」

「這項手術有點風險,因為必須全身麻醉,某些人可能會產生併發症。登記接受上半身手術之後,接下來的程序很簡單。跟外科醫生會面、諮詢、進行手術,以及術後覆診⋯⋯政府全部安排妥當。復原過程不怎麼痛苦,不過我本來就是不太怕痛的人。」

「至於接下來的手術,例如子宮切除手術,我可以多考慮一段時間,一般來說都是在注射睪丸素二至三年後才會進行這項手術。」

「據我所知,許多跨性男接受了上半身手術之後,依然會有性別焦慮症的現象,因為他們知道體內仍然有女性的生殖器官,而且就算注射了男性荷爾蒙,有時仍會有月經。對某些跨性男來說,這是主要的決定因素。但我決定選擇最健康的方式。」

「成為跨性男讓我留意到最細微的性別歧視。當然,有些人會清楚表態,但也有些人會不經意做出一些冒犯的舉動。舉例來說,當我以男兒身去找醫療專業人士醫治運動傷害時,我發現比起之前我還是女性時,醫生更認真對待我的抱怨。」

「我認為這也算是性別歧視,因為通常大家認為男性比女『堅強』,所以如果他們喊痛,他們一定真的很痛。但是也有相反的情況,例如我的女性朋友現在會說:『你是男人,所以你不用擔心。』」

「我從小就喜歡女生。我記得小時候曾希望自己一出生就是男生,那樣一切都會變得更容易、更順理成章。有時我跟現在的女朋友在一起時,她會開玩笑說我『果然是一個男人』,因為她想讓我肯定自己的性別。」

「成立個人網誌之後,我沒有受到太多惡意批抨,相反,我收到不少鼓勵的訊息和留言,這是其中最有意義的經驗。我收到網友的鼓勵,有些甚至不是跨性別人士,只是持相同意見的盟友。這些回應帶給我信心,支持我走下去。」

「在現實生活中,我通常不會主動跟別人談起自己的跨性別身分。這是我的身分,但只是其中一個身分:我是一名物理治療專科學生、攀岩愛好者、運動員,也是一個有目標和理想的人。跨性男只是我的性別認同。」